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Montag, Dezember 01, 2008

The (Ex-)President and the Nurse

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As TV was reporting this morning, Taiwan’s ex-president Chen is eating again, thus ending his half-hearted hunger strike. “He is asking for a lot of food now”, was the comment of one of my colleagues watching the report on TV and my colleague obviously had a tear in his eye, imagining how much tax payer money will now also go into the ex-presidential belly, after he seemingly (if the accusations are true) has pocketed countless amounts of money, transferring them to Switzerland and thus getting jailed after his term in office. I think this calls for a TV show of its own, totally invented; image the following scene:

Another episode from


or ….

A Chinese province (?) that doesn’t want to be China

TEASER scene:

(Nurse [see image] is talking to an armed guard on a hospital corridor):

Guard: Do you believe it? Last week they tried to assassinate Ex-President Chien in jail!

Nurse: And what happened?

Guard: The assassin used a sharpened spoon and tried to stab him!

Nurse: And then?

Guard: Chien simply snatched the spoon from the assassin! It failed!

Nurse: But how could he manage that? He is so weak!

Guard: Yeah, but I have heard there was still some food from lunch stuck on it…

Nurse: Ah, yes… (nodding)

Photo from company server... from the good ole days when we still had such pics there...

[Titles playing]


(Ex-president Chien Gei Woa [name changed to avoid legal prosecution] is lying in a hospital bed, on his belly a big pot of food)

Chien: I want more food. Food! Food!

Nurse (entering the room, we can see the uniformed guard from the opening scene posted outside whispering something to her, as she walks past him);(Nurse speaking to Chien:) But Mr. Ex-President, you already ate three times lunch and it’s still breakfast time!

Chien: I want Shabu-Shabu now! I want those little round balls in it!

Nurse (blushing, straightening her unifrom): But Mr. Ex-President….

[Slight background laughter from tape]

Chien: I am talking of food, you pro-Chinese KMT spy (referring to the china-friendly new government). Gimme that Japanese Shabu-Shabu hot pot, and pronto por favor.

Nurse (embarrassed). You would never get THAT hot pot anyway (straightening her uniform again). And why do you speak Spanish now? Did you hide some money in Latin America as well?

[Background laughter from tape]

(Nurse opens the door, leaves the room, we see her whispering to the guard).

(Guard clicking his heals together and shouting “Yes, comrade major!”)

(Nurse stops, looks angrily at him) Guard: “… I mean…comrade nurse!”

(Nurse comes back inside, door is closing)

Romantic ending to our series?

(She approaches Chien, meanwhile…)

Chien (whispering to himself): Not my fault those hombres suddenly took up diplomatic relations with China

Chien: (speaking loud) Enough, evil Blue Party spy. Now gimme more of that red pork I had an hour ago, and I don’t need the rice this time…

Nurse: Speaking of pork, what I always wanted to ask you …. That thing with you and your wife, how did you get along…

Chien: Oh you evil Kuomintang witch, if I don’t get that pork, then …. OR did you eat it by yourself, you evil treacherous Chinese agent?

Nurse: “I” am not the one pocketing things from the tax payer here, unlike some of us…

Chien: OK OK, so fill up this Shabu-Shabu pot again and this time put in more of these delicious cheese balls … had only 2 last time…

Nurse: Listen, we are Asian people; cheese has lactose and can’t be digested by our stomachs, why don’t you try more Tofu, that is much better…

Chien (speaking seriously and clearly pronounced): Now listen to me, woman. I am a former East-Asian head of state accused of corruption. Do you think there is anything I cannot digest?

[Background laughter from tape]

Nurse: I am doing lots of service for you; don’t you think it’s time for a tip first? (preparing her purse to make room for more money)

Chien: As soon as I can access my Cayman bank account, don’t worry… but now bring me some of those small sausages for the soup…

Nurse: Speaking of which (looking at his groin area)… I am not sure if that is a result of the hunger strike, but….

(Nurse making a gesture with straight index finger and thumb) [Background laughter from tape, cheering]

Chien: That’s only because I can always see half of your Mainland whenever you serve me food (eying in disgust at her open blouse).

[Background laughter from tape]

(Nurse leaves angrily, buttoning up her blouse).

(We can see the guard talking seemingly to his wrist watch): “Bejing, Bejing to you read… he mention Cayman island… do you read”

Pause… Suddenly there is a voice from the hospital’s intercom system (from ceiling)…

“Mr. Chien, Mr Chien, listen, this is the resistance movement for independence, this is an urgent message!”

Chien: Yes?

Speakers: “We have prepared your escape. Our agent in your hospital has hidden car keys in your Shabu-Shabu hot pot and there is a green Formosa 1200XL car parked on the car park, deck B1. Good luck, Mr. President…” (cracking noise from the speaker)

Chien: OK, OK, so where are the damned car keys…?

Speakers: “Inside the cheese balls”.

(Chien is burping loudly). Oh No!

Speakers: “We will rise to new glory once the mainland leaves us alone!” (Referring to Mainland China).

(Chien taking away his bed sheets, looking doubtful at his groin area…) really?

(Shaking his head in disappointment after seeing nothing): “As I always say… It has its own will, small and independent, that’s Taiwan!”

[Credits are seen on screen, Taiwan independence song playing, camera zooming out…]

OK OK, it still needs a bit brushing up. Especially to prepare this for a Taiwanese audience we would need the usual throwing of furniture, grimacing, knee-falls in front of superiors and mother-in-law plus the usual bride in white dress who runs away from the marriage ceremony / gets shot or beaten at the ceremony / runs off and then gets kidnapped by the cab driver / gets run over by the cab driver / runs off and wants to commit suicide on a bridge / marries the damned taxi driver etc.

We need the usual studio office high up in Taipei with a view on the 101 skyscraper and the usual love affair between that standard actor for the role and the usual standard girlfriend (they always chose the same 2 actors for these roles).

To follow a Taiwan soap opera, it must be finally revealed that the new President Ma Ying-Jeou is really a doppelganger from the Chinese secret service replacing the real president. In the final episode it will be revealed that he is in deed a twin brother of the real president and a half brother of ex-president Chien. All resolves itself at the marriage party of “that standard guy” with “that standard girl” who drive into the sunset with a black Mercedes Benz 500 SEL. With Chien and the nurse in the trunk of course.

Don’t believe it? Taiwan TV is really like this… Well… almost.

1 Kommentar:

tree hat gesagt…

AWESOME! Amazingly sharp with a sense of humour.. this is what I've working to achieve since I've been here for almost a month by now. After reading about "Handsome", this Taiwanese soap TV program caught my attention. I'm still in serach of the something like.. "common sense of Taiwan" that I saw in a glance.. Coz that's an all time topic that I've found hilariously making no sense.. til I'm not giving up yet, trying to see how it makes sense in their eyes.. (ironically, I'm a Taiwan citizen who's finding hard to comprehen and make sense of its own "common sense".) So please be kind and hope I'd find that "link again" on ur page. Cheers.